Enough is Enough

Dead battery? Fuel pump? Distributor cap? Why the heck won’t my car start?!

Standing next to my car, dead in the back of a dark parking lot, I was examining my options. Push it. Tow it. Leave it.

There comes a point when your teen will have to decide how much more they will invest. Do the pros outweigh the cons? Has your student really examined whether or not she would be better off starting fresh? Have he taken a close look at the value of what he is investing in?

The facts don’t lie but it isn’t always that simple. A good car should give you many miles of a smooth ride. A good relationship should do the same. Sure, there will be repairs needed along the way but for the most part, the headaches (and heartaches) should be few and far between; the recovery time short and sweet.

Each teen has a limit – a point at which they know that it is time to move on. Sometimes looking back, teens find that they put themselves through far more agony than they needed to before cutting their losses.

Maybe it makes sense for your teen to decide BEFORE the next breakdown how much more she will endure instead of deciding in the midst of a crisis. Use her head. Write it down. Sign the commitment to follow through while she is calm and composed, not when she is faced with making an immediate emotional decision.

When is enough, enough? Help your student set the limit and decide today.

Thoughts.

Lisa j

Technology Trap

Run a red light, event burnt orange in California and a high-tech camera takes a picture of your license plate so that the police department can send you a ticket. Crazy. No officer within miles. The camera doesn’t lie. Laws are enforced. Technology can sometimes be your worst enemy. Your student was dead wrong when she thought she wouldn’t get caught.

Recently, a young man in our town thought he wouldn’t get caught either; “sexting” two underage girls didn’t just leave tangible evidence on the cells phones but could possibly prove “without a shadow…” While police officers assumed the identity of the two girls, he chose to “run that red light.” When he thought no one was watching, technology turned him in.

Right now, you may be conjuring up excuses in your mind as the defense for your teen, “But he was late for work!” “The woman in front of him did it!” “Those girls gave him the green light to text them!” Bottom line, there is no excuse that will get your teen out of this one. You can hire the best lawyer around and chances are your teen is still going to pay. The ticket? $150.00. The sexting? 15 years. Busted, no do over. This IS the age of technology. Teach them to use it wisely.

Thoughts?
Lisa J

Best Choice

What do you mean you bought us a car?!

Here we stood in the driveway, my sister and I staring and the Army Green (and rust) Plymouth Satellite clunker completely dumbfounded.

That is NOT what we had in mind. How could our dad go so completely wrong in his choice for the perfect car for my sister and me to share? What happened to the red Italian Spider convertible?

I made the same mistake when I chose the “perfect” boy for my daughter to be friends with at school. On the outside, he was clean and well put together. He came from a great “line” and had all the “options” built in: polite, talented, good grades and of course…cute. I knew what she needed; I had parental wisdom.

My daughter wanted nothing to do with him. That was not her first pick (or 247^th pick either for that matter.)

Time would tell. And what it told me is that you can’t force your kids to like something (or someone) no matter how hard you try. Their individual taste is out of my control; I couldn’t make my daughter like scallops, the color pink and especially the friends I had chosen for her. Did I really believe I could make her fall in love with the car I had in mind or date the adorable “boy next door” someday? Not going to happen.

As it turned out, the boy I wanted her to be friends with ended up being, well, scary. My dad’s choice in cars? Ditto.

Maybe the lesson here is that as much as we (parents) THINK we know what our teens need or want without their input instead can prove to be a big mistake. Giving teens the room to choose with guidance, coaching, and a hint of research might just have better results than expected. Don’t choose FOR them, choose WITH them. You could use the help.

Thoughts,

Lisa J.

She's so HOT!!!

What could be better than driving a convertible in Southern California with the warm ocean breeze blowing your hair and the sun on your face? Sounds divine, right? Well, there is a point at which “hot” takes on a new meaning.

My car is adorable, metallic blue with a black top. The “idea” of driving this hot little car around town made me giggle with anticipation. The reality was, however, that this particular car has no air conditioning and on my first day of driving the temperature reached 105. Not fun. Trapped inside this sweatbox with no escape from the ball of fire in the sky turned my cute little ride into a torture chamber. I wondered why I didn’t just get out; the heat was relentless. Even complete strangers were looking at me with pity (and a touch of “Are you NUTS?”).

For some of you, this might ring a bell – maybe not with a car but with your teenager’s “hot” date. When he first saw her, she took his breath away. Three months later, that cute little chassis was tormenting him with “heat” he were not counting on. Nagging, controlling, belittling heat. And yet, he sat there suffering through the agony as if he had no other choice, as if he were locked inside this relationship with no escape.

Here’s the big news flash – in any car (or relationship), the locks are on the inside and there is a way out. It was by choice that I stayed and put up with the heat. Not a smart choice, by the way. Right there in front of me were much cooler options: air conditioned restaurants with cold iced tea, the mall with cool air and a roof to block the sun, home, with a frig and hammock.

Even if I simply pulled over, parked the car, got out and sat alone under a tree I would have been better off. There is a point at which each of us decides we can no longer take the heat. What does your teen’s temperature gauge read?

Thoughts?

Lisa j

Repo-Man

I had the “opportunity” to drive a car that was being repossessed. A friend gladly loaned me the car so that it would be “off the radar” when the Repo-Man came to their house to haul the vehicle away.

Great idea; park it in a different place every night, always watch to see if you are being followed and make sure you don’t drive alone just in case a big-bad-man with the bald head and missing teeth asks you to step out of the car.

Many teens have “ex’s” that pursue them the same way a Repo-Man would follow a car owner who is avoiding payment. These stalkers are often hiding around the corner, under-cover and determined to get what they came for.

As a parent, this would top the list as one of the biggest fears I have for my children. The reality is, our kids don’t have to necessarily be in a relationship with the Repo-Man for him to pursue them. He may just be on the hot trail to steal your teen regardless of any enticement or influence. That’s bad enough. But what if your teen has been in a relationship with a girl or guy that insists on getting them back? Period. No discussion, no dissuasion, no discouragement.

While getting the real Repo-Man to back off when the property he wants does not belong to him, being stalked by an old boyfriend or girlfriend is not only frightening, it is simply unacceptable. There is a reason and a warning when the Repo-man is about to take back a vehicle. There is no good reason and very little warning when an individual decides to target your child.

The fact is, you probably won’t get a letter in the mail or a phone call giving you the head’s up. You may not know it’s coming. You probably won’t even know your teen is being watched. But others will.

So, if someone mentions that a girl is obsessed with your son or some boy is aggressively pursuing your daughter, then listen. That might be the only “notice” you get and the price is too high to ignore the warning.

Thoughts?

Mama j

Too Good to be True

My husband and I went to a lovely wedding last week. Over 200 people dancing and celebrating the beginning of what we all hope will be a beautiful marriage. The food would have made Martha Stewart proud and the music kept my toes tappin’ in my “too-tight-wedding-only” shoes.

At one point the DJ asked all married couples to please make their way past the dessert table to the dance floor. As the couples young and old began to slow dance, the DJ would intermittently ask each pair to leave the floor if they had been married less than one year, two years, five years…you get the idea.

Each year was like a mile marker than flashed through my mind as a representation of how far we had come. Settling into year one, just getting comfy. Year three, a bump (called a baby boy) was a bit of a surprise but did not take us off course. Year seven marked the beginning of some restlessness and cloudy days. Year eleven, refreshed and working together to get where we want to go.

When I decided to take this relationship journey with my husband, we took a road and a route unique to use. We would have good days, bad days and all those in between but without those many miles, we would not be where we are to today – well seasoned travel companions.

The twenty-one years we have been together are counted in years not months. As important as the first months were to find compatibility, they are not the measurement of how far we have come.

When teens meet their “dream date” and start planning a wedding after six weeks, I respond with the wisdom that I have gained on this relationship journey. “It’s not too GOOD to be true, it’s too SOON to be true.”

Let me know when you get to mile marker #53.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Ding in the Door

Where do you park a brand new car at the mall to keep it from the inevitable scratch? Park with the rest of us that have realized out vehicles don't drive well when they are bubble-wrapped.

Cars can't be insulated from dents and dings and neither can teens. Where they are parked will certainly decrease the chances of harm but some blemishes will just happen over time. Your teen might miss the exit at a party with alcohol. Your son might end up in reverse in math class. Your daughter might park a bit too close to a dangerous situation.

How do you react to a new-found-flaw on your vehicle or in your teen? Let's take a slow, calm evaluation of the damage and then decide if there is a lesson to be learned. All mistakes are not created equal and accidents happen.

Trying to avoid every imperfection will be virtually impossible to take control of and just drive you crazy. We can't lock up our teens in the garage like a classic gem. We might love them like they are more precious than a vintage Corvette convertible but for goodness sake - teens can't be on the road to greatness if we don't let them safely back down the driveway.

Teens will get a ding in the door. Is it worth the rage or would a composed conversation be a better solution to keep them from ending up in that tight spot again?

Thoughts?
Lisa j
www.DatersEd.com

Blinker Stinker

So I’m heading to the grocery store four short miles away and I end up behind what I call a “Blinker Stinker,” a person that does not believe in using their turn signal.

Blinker Stinkers have a communication issue; their bad road manners are probably second only to their unwillingness to share useful information. Using a turn signal is not as much for your benefit as for the benefit of those following you. Isn’t it nice to let someone else in on the secret of where you are headed? If you want to change direction, fine, that’s your prerogative. When you are in your car, you have the choice to let the rest of the drivers know where you are going by the simple flip of a switch.

In teen dating, the switch is right next to the lip. Teens don’t always communicate. Will she tell him she made other plans for Saturday night? Did he tell her he is taking his best friend to the concert instead of her? Courtesy means giving someone plenty of notice, the sooner the better! Some teens simply slam on the brakes and head west with no warning – that’s rude, disrespectful and can be very painful.

Blinker Stinkers are typically either self-centered or clueless, neither of which would look good on a dating resume. Is your teen a Blinker Stinker?

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Possession Obsession

Bucket of suds and an over-sized sponge – what a way to spend Father’s Day – washing and waxing your most prized possession. Have you ever been curious about people who obsess over their cars? What drives them to spit-polish the mirror every time they go for a spin. Or spend 2 hours with an Oral B toothbrush cleaning the rims.

Makes you wonder how they would be on a date with your teen. What if your child had a piece of spring leaf lettuce stuck in his teeth at lunch? Or the sweater she was wearing was hanging slightly crooked? I can just envision an uninvited adjustment to make all things perfect…at least visually.

When a person is fixated on the condition of something, is it possible to ever relax enough to simply enjoy the “something?”

Maybe before our teens venture into a relationship with another individual, it would be a good idea for them to pull up a chair in the driveway and watch this potential date wash their car before your chils ends up as the object of "possession obsession."

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Teens Under Insured

Have you looked at the bill for your teen’s car insurance lately? Every month, I like to rip the bill open with thrilling expectation in the hopes that my insurance company is going to throw in cruise tickets with the premium. Nope.

Is there any doubt why teen insurance is two and a half times that of their parents? Reckless abandon with a splash of false immortality – that’s how they drive.

So here’s a question for you, how many opportunities does your teen have in a week to crack the windshield, hit a mailbox or worse, get in a car accident? Plenty, right? Then how much more likely is it that they have a “relationship accident?” Think about the opportunity teens have every day to make a “wrong turn” when it comes to the opposite sex. What would you be willing to pay for “dating insurance” to give you the peace of mind that your little darling is not going to be in a relationship wreck this month?

Hey, maybe I’m onto something! A new business idea; I can sell “dating insurance” to cover all the hazards of teen dating. The coverage could include everything from failing grades to excessive cell phone bills. It would be comprehensive coverage that insured migraines, dating under the influence, pregnancy, harassment and even time off from school for “repair and restoration.”

The best part? I would throw in a “loaner date” when the one your teen invested in breaks down and isn’t going anywhere.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Give Them a Brake!

“That should solve your braking problem, ma’am,” as he handed me a bill for $260 bucks. I paid the bill and wondered if this would be a permanent fix – yea, right.

Last week, I almost rear-ended another car when my brakes failed. Apparently, the brake pads need to be changed more than say, once in a lifetime.

So this got me thinking about “brakes” and teen dating. How many times a month, week, day does your teen consciously (or unconsciously) use their brakes in a relationship? Does she stop short of saying what’s on her mind? Keep himself from accepting an invitation to trouble? Bring an unhealthy relationship to a dead stand still?

Here is what I know; it has to be your OWN foot that hits the brake – not the other guy. Your brain sends a message to your body to act on the fact that braking is necessary in that moment. If a teen chooses not to respond to that message, they are apt to regret it. When they fail to use their brakes, the police officer won’t give them a break on the ticket, right? So why do we expect them to get a break when they choose not to brake in a relationship?

After you have been driving for a while, braking is instinctive. Help your teen recognize a safe braking response to the situations that can cause pain – don’t assume that will come naturally- they are new at this.

Thoughts?
Lisa J

Mama j moment

Mother's Day Wish

Hmmm…What do I want for Mother’s Day?

After careful consideration, there is only one thing I truly want as a mom – for my kids to be safe and healthy. I took care of the healthy part years ago by cooking pot-roast in the crock pot instead of aluminum foil. Now, I only worry about their safety.

It started well before they were born. Prenatal vitamins, safety locks on the cupboards and a crib with rails that was FDA approved. Now, their safety is much less controllable; will my teen driver be safe on the road? Will my teen dater chose someone who will protect her heart, body and soul? Will my son drive recklessly or date recklessly?

The box of Elmo Band-Aids has faded and gathered dust over the years. I remember when a scraped knee or broken bone was my biggest daily concern. Now, there is no box of bandages big enough to patch up the fears we have as moms of teens. All we ask is that our babies travel the safest possible road and guard their lives at every turn.

What I really want for Mother’s Day is the chance to tell them one more time to slow down and look both ways…

Thoughts?
Lisa J

Curb Your Emotions

My neighborhood doesn’t have curbs. I’m not sure who decides whether or not to add curbs to the side of the road but regardless, it is pretty easy to tell when you have crossed the line; the feeling is completely different and it’s easy to lose control.

Curb. That is one of those words that sounds weird when you say it more than once. By definition, it means to “restrain, hold back, limit, control.”

If you’ve ever “accidentally” hit a curb, you are familiar with the jolt of the correction. Immediately, you are set back on course. No curb and it’s up to you to get back on course.

When I hear, “Curb your emotions,” I picture a little concrete wall that keeps me from getting out of line. Unfortunately, those little curbs are just that…little. Easy to jump and disregard.

So here’s a question, if your teen jumps the curb and hits a tree, do they blame the city for not installing curbs? Maybe they blame the tree. If your teen loses their temper and damages a relationship, do they blame their parents for not “curbing their emotions?” Or maybe they just blame the person they damaged. Perhaps it's time to call for some "concrete reinforcement." Ouch.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Front End Alignment

My car keeps pulling to the left. If I let go of the wheel on a straight road right now, I will end up in a ditch. I’m guessing I need an adjustment. It is amazing how a little tweak of 1 or 2 degrees can make all the difference in the world.

It’s not just my car that needs the adjustment. More often that not, it’s me. Just a little tiny shift in tone, facial expression or word choice can make or break a relationship. I’m not talking about a radical overhaul – I’m talking about the compounding effects of the small choices over time. Get an oil change or not. Compliment her or not. Check the tires or not. Respect him or not.

Small but mighty, an alignment of positive choices over time will be the determining factors that will point to where you are in years to come - with or without a car, with or without a relationship.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Awesome Author and Teen Coach - Justin Sachs

I’d like to introduce you to Justin Sachs who is the author of a new book, Your Mailbox Is Full and is the founder of the Creating Possibilities Coaching Program in which Justin helps teenagers to increase their grades, eliminate procrastination, and create balance in all the areas of their life.

1. What do you do?
I work with teenagers to increase their grades, eliminate procrastination, create balance in their lives, and overcome any obstacles standing in their way of success.
2. Tell us about your new book.
Your Mailbox Is Full is a book for teenagers, that teaches them the tools they need to become successful in school and throughout their lives. They learn things like goal setting, time management, living a healthy lifestyle, and modeling and attracting success.
3. Why did you write it?
When I was 14 years old I went to my first Tony Robbins Seminar and I was in a room full of thousands of adults thinking, “Where’s all the teenagers?” “Why aren’t other youth here getting these powerful tools and strategies?” It was with that realization that I found my passion: Empowering teenagers with life-skills and leadership development tools for success. That’s what my book is all about: Teaching youth the most powerful skills they need to know to create enormous success and fulfillment in life! Now, teenagers don’t have to wait until they are 30 or 40 to get these tools and strategies, they are available to them within Your Mailbox Is Full.
4. What makes you an expert in your field?
After going to Anthony Robbins seminars for 3 years, I began working for his product sales team and non-profit organization at all his events worldwide. I then began working for Mark Victor Hansen, the co-founder of Chicken Soup for the Soul Series, and learned even more about life-skills, writing a book, and supporting people in bringing possibility into their lives. I then read everything I could get my hands on from The Secret, to Jack Canfield, to Stephen Covey, to Eckart Tolle, among many others. I learned everything I possibly could about personal development and transformation such that I can now create transformation in others!
5. What type of people should read your book?
The book is designed for teenagers and young adults, but parents throughout the country are reading the book and loving every page! The contents of the book are limitless, this is the perfect book for anyone looking to take their lives to the next level, especially youth!
6. Are you on any social networks? Eg. Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn
Yes, on www.Twitter.com/JustinSachs or http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=511068642
7. Advice for Teens or Parents of Teens
Follow your passions and never give up on your dreams! If you have a goal, a vision, or a hope for the future, hold on to it, focus on it, and take action to make it happen! You’ll be amazed at how quickly your dreams will manifest themselves when energy is focused on them.
8. Favorite Quote
Every day, every week and every month, you must challenge yourself to continue to grow to new heights and to take your standards to higher and higher levels. ~ Justin Sachs
9. Favorite Theme Park
Walt Disney World of course!!!
10. How can we purchase your book? Learn more about you? Do you have a blog?
My book is available on my website: www.YourMailboxIsFullBook.com To learn more about my coaching services visit www.JustinSachsOnline.com and be sure to check out my new radio show at www.MotivationalMindsRadio.com

Full Body Wash Needed

High School Prom was last night. Today, thousands of pictures will be posted on Facebook displaying some of the cleanest, most well dressed teens money can buy. Prom is once a year; it’s a lot of work but the results are astounding. They are so clean and shiny!

I was so inspired, I paid $5.00 for a car wash today. I didn’t know my car was silver! Thought it was brown. Before the bath, the inside looked like I still have toddlers in tow – gum wrappers, one shoe, and a foreign substance that might be worth patenting as “super-glue.”

I like when my car is clean. I like when my friends are clean. Going without a car wash daily when you live on a dirt road is acceptable but I haven’t found a good reason for people to go without bathing every day. Call me a fussy. Call me controlling. But don’t call me if you haven’t showered this week. I’m not interested. Why is it that some teens look like they are waiting until Prom to use shampoo and a little soap.

Remind them that they are making an impression EVERY day, not just on special occasions.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Smoking Hot

A recent question was submitted on an auto repair website about how to troubleshoot car exhaust smoke.

The reader asked, “My car frequently smokes from the tailpipe; does this mean I need an engine overhaul?”

I don’t know about you, but whenever I see smoke, it usually isn’t a good sign, (unless I’m roasting marshmallows over a bonfire.)

Let’s think about this for a minute. Just imagine heading out to the car lot with your teen to shop for the perfect car. Your teen finds one that in her words is “smokin’ hot” and asks to take it for a test drive. With keys in hand, she hops in and turns on the ignition. She revs the engine a bit and billows of smoke engulf the car. What is her first reaction? Impressed? Deep down in her gut does she have the feeling that maybe there is something wrong here? (Ok, maybe you will know just by the hacking, choking sensation, but does your teen?)

Just the fact that a reader had to ask the question indicates that for the most part, smoke is not a healthy sign – for a car or a date. I agree that it doesn’t necessarily mean a complete overhaul is needed but no question, there is an issue that needs to be addressed.

Call me crazy, but I would bet that most dealerships trying to “sell” a vehicle would make sure that before the car goes out onto the lot, it is smoke-free. Something tells me it would be a much harder sell when the driver has to hold his nose with one hand and frantically wave the smoke away with the other. Not a good first impression…or second for that matter.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Age Matters

My car had a birthday recently and is now five years old. Sounds young but in “car years” the Olds is more than just obsolete. By advertising “2004” if I decided to get rid of this car, I would be hard pressed to get many “lookers.” Age matters.

I had a birthday recently, too. A friend was commenting on the year we were both born and I responded, “Age doesn’t matter!” Not a true statement.

Let’s be honest. Anyone out there in the adult dating world knows that age is one of the biggest obstacles in marketing yourself. That number will instantly place you in a category that you may or may not choose to be a part of…voluntarily. It’s just the way it is. Try to pass for 30 when you are 50 and chances are you will get a rejection letter or two.

So what do we say when our 17-year-old is head over heels with a 25-year-old? Age doesn’t matter? Do they justify the age gap with a list of reasons why this is a good choice? “She is really young for her age.” He is much more mature that his friends.” “She really doesn’t look that old.”

Let’s try using those lines when we take our teens shopping for a car. “This car is in great shape for being so old.” “ This car has a lot more miles on it than the others I’ve found.” Does your teen want a brand new car but dates a girl that has an odometer reading that spells “vintage?”

It is true that the older we get, the less the age gap will matter in a relationship. The seven-year difference between a 1969 Ford and a 1962 Ford is not as critical as say, a 2009 Ford and a 2002. Would your teen be willing to trade in the new car they got for their 16th birthday for a car that is six years older? Doubt it…age matters.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Bank of Dad or Money Mommy?

Janet Bodnar, Deputy Editor of Kiplinger’s Personal Finance magazine recently addressed the new “pre-paid debit card” for kids. In her interview, she explains how easy it is to put money on the card in advance for our teens to have access to funds without carrying cash around.

Whether or not you agree with this concept, an interesting question does come to mind when we, as parents, are extending the privilege of both dating and driving and who foots the bill.

We are a credit culture and many of our kids have grown accustomed to seeing “the card” used at the grocery store, the movie theatre and the pump. What exactly is the message we are sending them when no cash is actually passing through our fingers, let alone theirs?

I remember going out with friends when I was in High School and the dreaded “ask” for money from my parents before bouncing out the door in pigtails clutching my macramé purse. They gave me cash. Cold hard cash. I had worked hard for that money sweeping the garage and doing dishes. These green bills came at a very dear price and once they were gone, I was on my own…until the next chore was done.

Financial responsibility in driving or dating is inevitable. The car will beg for gas. The girl will beg a new dress. The boy will beg for movie tickets. How long is your arm and how deep are your pockets? An even better question might be, “are our teens really grateful for the privilege of driving and dating when the funds are unlimited and there are no strings attached?" Maybe their time with “Chris” isn’t worth the price of a movie ticket…when it’s their own money.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

More then "One Way"

Yep, you warned them. You pointed to the sign and still they made a wrong turn. Now, panic, confusion and hopefully revelation grips them they same way they are gripping the steering wheel. The signs were there, larger than life. “One Way” with a big fat arrow. No mistake, just a touch of arrogance and carelessness that landed your teen in this predicament.

What now? How do you fix this for them – have your child turn around and go back the right way? People stop and stare with a blend of judgment, pity and recognition on their faces – they’ve seen others do the same. They know how your kid got there and with a glance of “I told you so” they watch to see what you will do.

Relationships have rules just like driving. Our teens can ignore the rules with confidence and ignorance because they know a faster, easier or better way to get where they think they want to go only to find themselves facing the masses heading in the other direction. What makes teens think they can break the rules and not end up in a predicament?

Teens want to be creative, different and not follow the traffic of boring people that obey the signs. They do not remember they will have to pay the consequences. Sure, a few of them might get away with it a time or two when no one else is around but eventually, they will end up in a jam. There are rules of the road. What can we do to make sure our students are not going the wrong way down a clearly marked one-way street? Pay attention and don’t grab the wheel. Prevention is far less dramatic than a head-on collision. Help them to be boring.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Instructor Needed

Imagine...your teen goes to Driver’s Ed and the instructor never leaves his desk, hands your child car keys and says, “I don’t have anything planned for today, do whatever you want.” Would you feel like they are getting the practice, education and exposure they need to be a responsible driver? Why then do parents let their teens walk out the door to go on a date with no agenda, no plan and no idea what they are supposed to be learning?

Segment Two in Driver’s Ed is all about the experience…with supervision. A healthy, fully developed adult brain over the age of 25 is sitting right there in the seat beside the jittery teen making sure their emotions don’t run them into the neighbor’s mailbox. The goal is to expose them to every possible driving scenario with an instructor to equip them for the open road on their own someday. What are the tools we can give our teens to learn to drive or date more intentionally? Is it all in the head knowledge and everything can be taught from a book? Or do we buckle them up and allow them to experience some of the thrills and fears of the actual hours logged?

There is a great quote that sheds light on the pathway to responsibility when it comes to both dating and driving. “If you fail to plan, plan to fail.” These words of wisdom only work when put into action. What plan do you and you student have in place to make their dating exposure have the best possible outcome?

Barrels of Fun

What’s up with perpetual construction on the freeways? Orange barrels dented and thumped from months of standing guard as the watchmen for the never-ending asphalt trucks and busy workers. Don’t they ever rest? Nope.

Freeways are high maintenance – so are some dates. Have you ever noticed how a particular boyfriend or girlfriend seems to be “under construction” for months, even years at a time? What’s up with that? Every few feet there is another blatant warning that you will encounter a slowdown or bottleneck in the flow of your teen's dating relationship. Your find your child exhausted from a constant state of “alert” and white-knuckling for hours on end. You wonder if they have ever realized it’s just not the way the trip was supposed to be. Day after day you hope it will end.

Here’s the good news. There is always another way. Always. Your teen does not have to go down that road. Sure, that was the plan but you don’t have to wait until they have close encounter with rebar and wire mesh protruding from broken concrete before urging them to take the first exit. You can help them pick another route. Really, show them a better way – pull out the scenic maps and glossy brochures that they might not know exist. Don't assume your child knows there's a better, smoother, quieter option. It probably wasn't on the triptick.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Relationship Whiteout

Yesterday it snowed almost six inches in six hours. Cars in ditches everywhere. Freeway frenzy.

The funny part about blizzards is that it seems to bring out the best and the worst in people. On one hand, you have stressed out loved ones urging, pleading, even screaming about the impending doom. On the other hand, you have friends and neighbors leaving the cocoa on the counter to traverse the tundra just to push you out of a ditch.

There will be times in your teen's dating relationship when everything goes white and they end up in a really tough spot completely helpless and dependent on others. So who will they call for help? Who do they have on speed dial that will give them relief not grief? Their parents who will hiss, “We told you not to go out!” Their brother or sister who wants to know “what’s in it for me?”

Here ‘s what I’ve learned. When a teenager's wheels are spinning and they are stuck all alone, they may not remember what got them there in the first place. Was this something your student could have avoided if they had listened to the crowd of people that know them the best? Were you right in your prediction that this kind of thing was bound to happen?

Sure, this can happen to anyone without warning but most of the people I meet in the ditch had plenty of warning from those who could see the storm brewing. They just chose not to listen.

Your teen may choose to call their friends to push them out of the mess they’re in just to avoid the wisdom you might bring along. The question is, next time, will they turn up the volume and listen to the warnings they ignored the last time? Maybe they need snow shoes for Christmas.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Datejacking

I don't ever remember having to worry about someone wanting to steal my car. It was a 1971 Army green Plymouth Satellite with a custom dirt and rust camouflage pattern. Most people took one look and either laughed or gave me a pitiful look that read "Oh, you poor sweet girl! Driving that piece of junk will really ruin your reputation from which you will never recover."

Even if I had owned a little red convertible, I doubt I would have been worried about carjacking. It just didn't happen back then. We didn't put the roof up much less lock the car doors. Now, you have to "Club" your steering wheel just to drop something in the mail box.

Carjacking is basically stealing something that doesn't belong to you. It is an intentional override of boundaries, morals and good judgment. If you think about it, teen relationships often follow the same thought process. Maybe Josh didn't care that Kristin "belonged" to his best friend. Abby was just waiting for an opportunity to steal Tyler when Jamie wasn't looking.

Carjacking may be terrifying in the moment but as long as you come away unharmed, you are one lucky soul. "Datejacking," on the other hand is often devastating to a teen far beyond filing a police report, especially if they go to school with the perpetrators.

Have you talked to your teens about "datejacking" and what a crime that would be?

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Pothole damage

Does this picture represent what your teen is headed for in their dating relationship?

I talked with a high school student today who had a bit of difficulty with her car after hitting a pothole. I was expecting her to tell me that she got a flat tire but the damage was well beyond repair. It seems she broke the axle and the tire was lying on its side like a boneless chicken. Tough to drive that way, I'm sure.

Teens don't realize how many potholes there are on the road ahead. Isn't that why we sit in the passenger seat and point out the hazards? I'm sure this driver didn't realize how deep this problem would be by looking at the surface. How extreme will the damage be if she catches him looking at another girl? Or what if your son finds out his girlfriend was at the movies with her cousin when she said she was home sick. Maybe, there was a crater-sized lie that was uncovered and the damage is beyond repair.

Potholes in dating might only send your sunglasses flying across the dashboard or on the other hand, cause enough damage to total the relationship. Here's the point; teens have to watch where they're going. From their perspective, the hazard might look like a pretty insignificant flaw. To their date, it might be more than enough to deflate any hope of reconciliation.

It is pretty easy to take a smooth ride for granted until we come to that place along the road that jars every notion of comfort. Teach your teens to be alert and avoid potholes. It can really change the mood.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Tattoo Taboo

Now, I have nothing against beautiful artwork - even if it is on a human being. Clothing styles, hair styles and even manicures can and are used to reflect individuality. Tattoos can be well done...In my opinion. What I recognize however, is that not everyone likes what I like. We all have different tastes and appreciation for a variety of art forms.

Let's look at tattoos as an example. You can tattoo just about any part of your body with a plethora of images, graphics, colors and shapes. You can permanently represent a family member, a football team, a flower or a gang sign. Regardless of what you choose to display on your skin, others will judge you based on that artwork. It changes who you are. It can't be helped. The problem is, it won't wash off.

So how do we convince our teens that getting a tattoo needs to have a ton of thought behind it. It's not like and ugly green dress that makes you look fat or a haircut that causes people to gasp. Tattoos are permanent. What would happen if you had a practice run instead of the real deal? Maybe a really good fake "mock-up" that could give you a glimpse of the response before it's too late? Take a poll, get a survey, have people anonymously send a note that describes their reaction to your kids new branding.

Frankly, I think this van looks pretty cool and the flames are very professionally done. Would I buy it? No way! Marketability is next to nil.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Rear View - all clear!

A group of engineers in South Korea made NPR News this month when they revealed a replacement for the rearview mirrors on the side of their new model. They replaced the mirrors with little cameras...that are always on.

How many times have I looked over my shoulder in my life and hoped I wouldn't see that bad relationship behind me in the mirror - now a camera is going to get that on tape?! The beauty of a rearview mirror is that you know the further and faster you go, the smaller and less significant the things you left behind become.

These little cameras remind me of Facebook and Myspace and how the relationship "oops" factor is constantly being recorded and replayed endlessly. You can't outrun it, you can't turn a corner and get out of the line of sight. It has been recorded, permantently. All the pathetic attempts to get her to like you. All the pitiful begging to keep him from telling your secret. Nope. It's on tape and everyone in town has a copy.

The rearview "camera" might be a giant step forward for the automakers but for teen dating, it means a treadmill that will not get smaller in the rearview mirror and never lets you put anything behind you.

Thoughts?
Lisa J

Parents-Have your teens claim this post as their own!

Parents - have your teens watch this and claim it!
The New Generation from AAA

Percentage rule

A daily chart in the article about car ownership states that “LUXEMBOURG'S roads are jammed with 647 cars for every 1,000 people, the highest ownership rate in the world.” Pretty scary statistic but not as daunting as the number of teens in our local high school.

There are over 2,400 single available teens running loose in our public school which means each teen has exposure to about 1,200 single, available members of the opposite sex six hours a day, five days a week.

Is it any surprise then that the success rate of teen dating is so low? How in the world are they equipped to chose the right one with no guidance, no coaching, no inspection and no facts about this person’s past beyond gossip.

I would love to see a law passed through Congress that every Middle and High School has to post a Warning that “You are now entering the world’s largest, most prolific teen dating service in the world…and your tax dollars are paying the membership fee.”

What defines a dating service is simply trying to find the largest number of available singles and put them all in one place. Bingo!

Thoughts?
Lisa J

Dirty Filter?

Changing the air filter in your car is just good maintenance. All those finely woven, tightly pressed fibers do a great job of keeping out the sludge when they are new but lose effectiveness the dirtier they get.

And you can't just put one in your car and forget about it. You have to look under the hood and check every few thousand miles to see what the condition of that filter is. Exposure is everything.

Let's compare with dating. Maybe the last girlfriend your son had was sweet and nice but a bit boring. Now your teen has moved on to, shall we say, an "all terrain." If that's the case, chances are his filter is getting plugged up and is not very efficient at doing it's job.

Maybe it's time for mom or dad to check under the hood and see what's making the engine run poorly.

Never know, it could be what's not being filtered that's the problem!

Thoughts?
Lisa J

Parked too much?

In a recent car advice column in the Washington Post, an 83 year old woman was asking about a car she had parked in her garage that she wanted to give to her granddaughter for college graduation and was wondering if it was safe.

If we apply that to dating - imagine the marketability of our teens if we kept them "locked up in the garage" and they "didn't have many miles on them." Wow. No dings or dents, knicks or scratches. No accidents, weathered paint or bent rims. Perfect specimens.

What would graduation day look like if we could all present our little babies as perfectly kept "models" that are "as good as new?" What if we could show their mileage and maintenance record and proudly proclaim that they had never been around the block without us.

We may not be able to keep our teens locked up - or would even want to for their sake. But what kind of mileage our kids accumulate by the time they are in their mid-twenties will greatly impact their "safety" rating with the general public. Where they've been matters.

Thoughts?
Lisa J