Presents vs. Presence

What in the world do you give a teenager for Christmas! The list is usually a mile long and a million dollars wide. To battle the age of entitlement, I have a tip I'd like to share…

Several years ago, when my kids were 7 and 9, I inadvertently started a new tradition. I had grown tired of the plastic toys and clothing in large boxes under the tree that gave me visions of the utility bill budget heading south for the winter. Games that never made it past New Years and clothing that ended up in a heap on the floor with candy wrappers and school books.

So I made a change. A unilateral decision that changed our lives. I decided to stop giving presents and give presence instead.

The concept is simple, really. I would buy "an event" for the coming year to do with each member of my family. The key is that you have to go with them. This is not just a pair of tickets to something where they can invite a friend to tag along. This is a designated special time that you give as a gift to someone that they can look forward to spending WITH YOU!

We have experienced so many wonderful times together with this new tradition. Ballroom dance lesson with my son, building a set of golf clubs with my daughter, a summer concert, picking apples in the fall. The idea is to fill the tree with the gift of time - things we can all look forward to doing with each other throughout the coming year. We mark each event on a special calendar and look forward to the "gifts' all year long.

So while the "buzz" of Christmas presents has faded away by the first of the year, I will be having bagels on the roof with my daughter in August because she gave me the gift of her presence.

Merry Christmas!

Start Your Engines!

After an exciting year, we have finally launched the ever-popular book, Dater's Ed, into an online curriculum for parents and teens!

Modeled after the Driver's Ed manual, the course merges teen brain development with cars and driving concepts to keep teens from ending up in the junkyard of broken hearts. Just like Driver's Ed, the course is designed to provide structure and supervision for one purpose: to keep our babies safe.

We don't promote teen dating - our culture does.
We promote a proactive education to avoid the need for a reactive solution.

For a limited time, I'm offering a 7 day trial for only $1.00! Then when you choose to enroll in the full course, you will get half off!

Go ahead! Take a spin! Visit us at http://teendatinglicense.com and let me know what you think!

Safe teen dating does not happen by accident!!!

Hop in! We've moved...

Hey! Thanks for stoppin' by!

In July, 2010 we moved down the road but we are super easy to find and would love to have you over for a visit!
Just click on the "Dater's Ed" link and you will be redirected to our new site where we are picking up speed helping all kinds of people make better dating and relationship choices with our FREE "1-Minute Weekly Tune-up"

http://www.DatersEd.com

See you soon!
Mama j

The Lug-nut Doesn't fall far from the tree

What’s in a name? As in Chrysler? Honda? Ford? Or Smith?

If you are familiar with the name, it probably evoked some sort of response when you read each one: “Chrysler-struggling” “Honda-dependable” “Ford-aggressive” “Smith-self-centered”

See, here is the thing; the “manufacturer” or parents can be a pretty good indicator of what they put out “on the showroom floor.” There is a reason you steer clear of the Toyota Dealership and would have no trouble taking a closer look at a BMW. There is a lot to be said for a name. Chrysler is the manufacturer; Sebring is the model.

Let me drive it home...Josh is the model and Smith is the manufacturer. Josh has parents that had a reputation long before he fell from the family tree.

The point is, when you buy a car, you put some consideration into who made that particular model. You don’t just discount the manufacturer.

The same goes for dating. How will you research the background of those who “made” Josh who he is today? How do find evidence of self-control, dependability, good decision-making and compassion? Are those options or standard features that come with every model?

Next time you meet someone, put a bit of time into finding out who produced this hot-rod. You might find the lug-nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Thoughts?
Mama j
http://www.DatersEd.com

Reflector Reminder

Thump, thump, thump, thump….such a rhythmic reminder. I just love those little reflectors in the middle of the road that let me know I need to pay attention. Small but effective, I seem to snap right out of the trance I am in - instantly aware of how far I have drifted over the line. How many “thumps” does it take for such a gentle nudge to bring me back to reality?

“Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out!” Maybe not as gentle but certainly enough to recognize that you have crossed a boundary. Are you constantly teasing her about her laugh? Are you nagging him repeatedly about being on time? Do you feel that little “thump” on the back of your head when you tick someone off? Pay attention! There are people around you that your words and actions have an effect on. It shouldn’t take five or six warnings for you to realize that you have crossed the line.

Here is the question: when you do finally wake up, does your apology come in the form of an immediate correction back to your own lane and a humble hand wave to the other person you offended? Or do you respond with a different kind of hand gesture because someone honked the horn when you ran him off the road? Who’s at fault here?

In the world of relationships…especially dating, the apology comes in the form of sincere recognition that you have stepped over the line and that you won’t do that again. Accept responsibility; be humble and authentic. Let those little reflective “thumps” set you straight once and for all. Otherwise, the next “thump” might be painful.

Thoughts?

Mama j

Dating Curves

Ortega Highway – one of the most beautiful roads in North America and one of the most dangerous. The 25-mile drive over the mountain pass has breathing taking views followed by some of the most treacherous curves I’ve ever experienced.
No matter how often I drive this splendid piece of pavement, I will never be able to predict what is on the other side of that curve. Yesterday, it was another victim.
I hear it all the time, “I should have seen it coming.” No, I’m not talking about the unexpected circular bend in the road but a devastating curve in a relationship: an affair.
We get complacent and relaxed after we travel down the same road day in and day out assuming we know all the curves that could prove to be hazardous. We think we know every inch of the road and feel confident we can handle it. Then one day, the curve throws you…another curve, something or someone you never saw coming.
The fact is all the signs were there, plenty of advanced warning wearing neon yellow. How did you miss this? Friends and family warned you over and over but still you were clueless as you came around the corner of clarity. Too late to choose another more predictable route. Too late to prepare for what was around the bend. Too late to slam on the brakes and save your relationship from certain death.
Here is what I have learned – the curves will always be a threat. You can’t remove them on the road of relationships. You can however pay attention to the signs and recognize that some roads are much safer than other. Roads lined with self-control and integrity, not roads lined with self-satisfaction and deceit.
How often does the scenic route become the path of despair? Is there a relationship route that will guarantee faithfulness? Maybe the best we can do is to map out our journey and see if there might be a straight road to travel with a little less excitement perhaps but a better chance of survival.
Thoughts?
Lisa j

Black Ice Dating

I hope she makes it home safely. It’s snowing and the roads are covered with ice. She isn’t a very experienced driver at 17 but I still let her journey out into the tundra praying she wouldn’t hit a sheet of black ice that looks like dry pavement.

Did I tell her how to respond to a skid? Should she turn the wheel with the skid or against it? Was this covered in Driver’s Ed or is it simply “learn as you go?”

How does a parent teach their teen everything there is to know about driving conditions and dating relationships? Both roads lead to hazardous situations that we can’t predict. Both driving and dating can go from safe to scary in 47 seconds flat. Will my daughter be able to use her head to avoid disaster or will she be frozen with fear. Will my son recognize that he is accelerating at a dangerous speed and know to slow down?

Just because we aren’t sitting in the seat beside them doesn’t mean we stop instructing our teens on driving conditions. How often then should we be addressing the manner in which our teens are handling their relationships?

My daughter may have passed Driver’s Ed but every day is another test. Maybe I have drilled “cautious dating” into her head a thousand times but every day will be a new opportunity for her to get that right or wrong.

Weather and traffic conditions prompt us to remind our teens to be safe on the roads every single day. How often do we evaluate our teen’s relationship safety and recognize that dry pavement could be black ice? Does your teen know how to avoid a catastrophic skid?

Thoughts,

Lisa j

Enough is Enough

Dead battery? Fuel pump? Distributor cap? Why the heck won’t my car start?!

Standing next to my car, dead in the back of a dark parking lot, I was examining my options. Push it. Tow it. Leave it.

There comes a point when your teen will have to decide how much more they will invest. Do the pros outweigh the cons? Has your student really examined whether or not she would be better off starting fresh? Have he taken a close look at the value of what he is investing in?

The facts don’t lie but it isn’t always that simple. A good car should give you many miles of a smooth ride. A good relationship should do the same. Sure, there will be repairs needed along the way but for the most part, the headaches (and heartaches) should be few and far between; the recovery time short and sweet.

Each teen has a limit – a point at which they know that it is time to move on. Sometimes looking back, teens find that they put themselves through far more agony than they needed to before cutting their losses.

Maybe it makes sense for your teen to decide BEFORE the next breakdown how much more she will endure instead of deciding in the midst of a crisis. Use her head. Write it down. Sign the commitment to follow through while she is calm and composed, not when she is faced with making an immediate emotional decision.

When is enough, enough? Help your student set the limit and decide today.

Thoughts.

Lisa j

Technology Trap

Run a red light, event burnt orange in California and a high-tech camera takes a picture of your license plate so that the police department can send you a ticket. Crazy. No officer within miles. The camera doesn’t lie. Laws are enforced. Technology can sometimes be your worst enemy. Your student was dead wrong when she thought she wouldn’t get caught.

Recently, a young man in our town thought he wouldn’t get caught either; “sexting” two underage girls didn’t just leave tangible evidence on the cells phones but could possibly prove “without a shadow…” While police officers assumed the identity of the two girls, he chose to “run that red light.” When he thought no one was watching, technology turned him in.

Right now, you may be conjuring up excuses in your mind as the defense for your teen, “But he was late for work!” “The woman in front of him did it!” “Those girls gave him the green light to text them!” Bottom line, there is no excuse that will get your teen out of this one. You can hire the best lawyer around and chances are your teen is still going to pay. The ticket? $150.00. The sexting? 15 years. Busted, no do over. This IS the age of technology. Teach them to use it wisely.

Thoughts?
Lisa J

Best Choice

What do you mean you bought us a car?!

Here we stood in the driveway, my sister and I staring and the Army Green (and rust) Plymouth Satellite clunker completely dumbfounded.

That is NOT what we had in mind. How could our dad go so completely wrong in his choice for the perfect car for my sister and me to share? What happened to the red Italian Spider convertible?

I made the same mistake when I chose the “perfect” boy for my daughter to be friends with at school. On the outside, he was clean and well put together. He came from a great “line” and had all the “options” built in: polite, talented, good grades and of course…cute. I knew what she needed; I had parental wisdom.

My daughter wanted nothing to do with him. That was not her first pick (or 247^th pick either for that matter.)

Time would tell. And what it told me is that you can’t force your kids to like something (or someone) no matter how hard you try. Their individual taste is out of my control; I couldn’t make my daughter like scallops, the color pink and especially the friends I had chosen for her. Did I really believe I could make her fall in love with the car I had in mind or date the adorable “boy next door” someday? Not going to happen.

As it turned out, the boy I wanted her to be friends with ended up being, well, scary. My dad’s choice in cars? Ditto.

Maybe the lesson here is that as much as we (parents) THINK we know what our teens need or want without their input instead can prove to be a big mistake. Giving teens the room to choose with guidance, coaching, and a hint of research might just have better results than expected. Don’t choose FOR them, choose WITH them. You could use the help.

Thoughts,

Lisa J.

She's so HOT!!!

What could be better than driving a convertible in Southern California with the warm ocean breeze blowing your hair and the sun on your face? Sounds divine, right? Well, there is a point at which “hot” takes on a new meaning.

My car is adorable, metallic blue with a black top. The “idea” of driving this hot little car around town made me giggle with anticipation. The reality was, however, that this particular car has no air conditioning and on my first day of driving the temperature reached 105. Not fun. Trapped inside this sweatbox with no escape from the ball of fire in the sky turned my cute little ride into a torture chamber. I wondered why I didn’t just get out; the heat was relentless. Even complete strangers were looking at me with pity (and a touch of “Are you NUTS?”).

For some of you, this might ring a bell – maybe not with a car but with your teenager’s “hot” date. When he first saw her, she took his breath away. Three months later, that cute little chassis was tormenting him with “heat” he were not counting on. Nagging, controlling, belittling heat. And yet, he sat there suffering through the agony as if he had no other choice, as if he were locked inside this relationship with no escape.

Here’s the big news flash – in any car (or relationship), the locks are on the inside and there is a way out. It was by choice that I stayed and put up with the heat. Not a smart choice, by the way. Right there in front of me were much cooler options: air conditioned restaurants with cold iced tea, the mall with cool air and a roof to block the sun, home, with a frig and hammock.

Even if I simply pulled over, parked the car, got out and sat alone under a tree I would have been better off. There is a point at which each of us decides we can no longer take the heat. What does your teen’s temperature gauge read?

Thoughts?

Lisa j

Repo-Man

I had the “opportunity” to drive a car that was being repossessed. A friend gladly loaned me the car so that it would be “off the radar” when the Repo-Man came to their house to haul the vehicle away.

Great idea; park it in a different place every night, always watch to see if you are being followed and make sure you don’t drive alone just in case a big-bad-man with the bald head and missing teeth asks you to step out of the car.

Many teens have “ex’s” that pursue them the same way a Repo-Man would follow a car owner who is avoiding payment. These stalkers are often hiding around the corner, under-cover and determined to get what they came for.

As a parent, this would top the list as one of the biggest fears I have for my children. The reality is, our kids don’t have to necessarily be in a relationship with the Repo-Man for him to pursue them. He may just be on the hot trail to steal your teen regardless of any enticement or influence. That’s bad enough. But what if your teen has been in a relationship with a girl or guy that insists on getting them back? Period. No discussion, no dissuasion, no discouragement.

While getting the real Repo-Man to back off when the property he wants does not belong to him, being stalked by an old boyfriend or girlfriend is not only frightening, it is simply unacceptable. There is a reason and a warning when the Repo-man is about to take back a vehicle. There is no good reason and very little warning when an individual decides to target your child.

The fact is, you probably won’t get a letter in the mail or a phone call giving you the head’s up. You may not know it’s coming. You probably won’t even know your teen is being watched. But others will.

So, if someone mentions that a girl is obsessed with your son or some boy is aggressively pursuing your daughter, then listen. That might be the only “notice” you get and the price is too high to ignore the warning.

Thoughts?

Mama j

Too Good to be True

My husband and I went to a lovely wedding last week. Over 200 people dancing and celebrating the beginning of what we all hope will be a beautiful marriage. The food would have made Martha Stewart proud and the music kept my toes tappin’ in my “too-tight-wedding-only” shoes.

At one point the DJ asked all married couples to please make their way past the dessert table to the dance floor. As the couples young and old began to slow dance, the DJ would intermittently ask each pair to leave the floor if they had been married less than one year, two years, five years…you get the idea.

Each year was like a mile marker than flashed through my mind as a representation of how far we had come. Settling into year one, just getting comfy. Year three, a bump (called a baby boy) was a bit of a surprise but did not take us off course. Year seven marked the beginning of some restlessness and cloudy days. Year eleven, refreshed and working together to get where we want to go.

When I decided to take this relationship journey with my husband, we took a road and a route unique to use. We would have good days, bad days and all those in between but without those many miles, we would not be where we are to today – well seasoned travel companions.

The twenty-one years we have been together are counted in years not months. As important as the first months were to find compatibility, they are not the measurement of how far we have come.

When teens meet their “dream date” and start planning a wedding after six weeks, I respond with the wisdom that I have gained on this relationship journey. “It’s not too GOOD to be true, it’s too SOON to be true.”

Let me know when you get to mile marker #53.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Ding in the Door

Where do you park a brand new car at the mall to keep it from the inevitable scratch? Park with the rest of us that have realized out vehicles don't drive well when they are bubble-wrapped.

Cars can't be insulated from dents and dings and neither can teens. Where they are parked will certainly decrease the chances of harm but some blemishes will just happen over time. Your teen might miss the exit at a party with alcohol. Your son might end up in reverse in math class. Your daughter might park a bit too close to a dangerous situation.

How do you react to a new-found-flaw on your vehicle or in your teen? Let's take a slow, calm evaluation of the damage and then decide if there is a lesson to be learned. All mistakes are not created equal and accidents happen.

Trying to avoid every imperfection will be virtually impossible to take control of and just drive you crazy. We can't lock up our teens in the garage like a classic gem. We might love them like they are more precious than a vintage Corvette convertible but for goodness sake - teens can't be on the road to greatness if we don't let them safely back down the driveway.

Teens will get a ding in the door. Is it worth the rage or would a composed conversation be a better solution to keep them from ending up in that tight spot again?

Thoughts?
Lisa j
www.DatersEd.com

Blinker Stinker

So I’m heading to the grocery store four short miles away and I end up behind what I call a “Blinker Stinker,” a person that does not believe in using their turn signal.

Blinker Stinkers have a communication issue; their bad road manners are probably second only to their unwillingness to share useful information. Using a turn signal is not as much for your benefit as for the benefit of those following you. Isn’t it nice to let someone else in on the secret of where you are headed? If you want to change direction, fine, that’s your prerogative. When you are in your car, you have the choice to let the rest of the drivers know where you are going by the simple flip of a switch.

In teen dating, the switch is right next to the lip. Teens don’t always communicate. Will she tell him she made other plans for Saturday night? Did he tell her he is taking his best friend to the concert instead of her? Courtesy means giving someone plenty of notice, the sooner the better! Some teens simply slam on the brakes and head west with no warning – that’s rude, disrespectful and can be very painful.

Blinker Stinkers are typically either self-centered or clueless, neither of which would look good on a dating resume. Is your teen a Blinker Stinker?

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Possession Obsession

Bucket of suds and an over-sized sponge – what a way to spend Father’s Day – washing and waxing your most prized possession. Have you ever been curious about people who obsess over their cars? What drives them to spit-polish the mirror every time they go for a spin. Or spend 2 hours with an Oral B toothbrush cleaning the rims.

Makes you wonder how they would be on a date with your teen. What if your child had a piece of spring leaf lettuce stuck in his teeth at lunch? Or the sweater she was wearing was hanging slightly crooked? I can just envision an uninvited adjustment to make all things perfect…at least visually.

When a person is fixated on the condition of something, is it possible to ever relax enough to simply enjoy the “something?”

Maybe before our teens venture into a relationship with another individual, it would be a good idea for them to pull up a chair in the driveway and watch this potential date wash their car before your chils ends up as the object of "possession obsession."

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Teens Under Insured

Have you looked at the bill for your teen’s car insurance lately? Every month, I like to rip the bill open with thrilling expectation in the hopes that my insurance company is going to throw in cruise tickets with the premium. Nope.

Is there any doubt why teen insurance is two and a half times that of their parents? Reckless abandon with a splash of false immortality – that’s how they drive.

So here’s a question for you, how many opportunities does your teen have in a week to crack the windshield, hit a mailbox or worse, get in a car accident? Plenty, right? Then how much more likely is it that they have a “relationship accident?” Think about the opportunity teens have every day to make a “wrong turn” when it comes to the opposite sex. What would you be willing to pay for “dating insurance” to give you the peace of mind that your little darling is not going to be in a relationship wreck this month?

Hey, maybe I’m onto something! A new business idea; I can sell “dating insurance” to cover all the hazards of teen dating. The coverage could include everything from failing grades to excessive cell phone bills. It would be comprehensive coverage that insured migraines, dating under the influence, pregnancy, harassment and even time off from school for “repair and restoration.”

The best part? I would throw in a “loaner date” when the one your teen invested in breaks down and isn’t going anywhere.

Thoughts?
Lisa j

Give Them a Brake!

“That should solve your braking problem, ma’am,” as he handed me a bill for $260 bucks. I paid the bill and wondered if this would be a permanent fix – yea, right.

Last week, I almost rear-ended another car when my brakes failed. Apparently, the brake pads need to be changed more than say, once in a lifetime.

So this got me thinking about “brakes” and teen dating. How many times a month, week, day does your teen consciously (or unconsciously) use their brakes in a relationship? Does she stop short of saying what’s on her mind? Keep himself from accepting an invitation to trouble? Bring an unhealthy relationship to a dead stand still?

Here is what I know; it has to be your OWN foot that hits the brake – not the other guy. Your brain sends a message to your body to act on the fact that braking is necessary in that moment. If a teen chooses not to respond to that message, they are apt to regret it. When they fail to use their brakes, the police officer won’t give them a break on the ticket, right? So why do we expect them to get a break when they choose not to brake in a relationship?

After you have been driving for a while, braking is instinctive. Help your teen recognize a safe braking response to the situations that can cause pain – don’t assume that will come naturally- they are new at this.

Thoughts?
Lisa J

Mama j moment

Mother's Day Wish

Hmmm…What do I want for Mother’s Day?

After careful consideration, there is only one thing I truly want as a mom – for my kids to be safe and healthy. I took care of the healthy part years ago by cooking pot-roast in the crock pot instead of aluminum foil. Now, I only worry about their safety.

It started well before they were born. Prenatal vitamins, safety locks on the cupboards and a crib with rails that was FDA approved. Now, their safety is much less controllable; will my teen driver be safe on the road? Will my teen dater chose someone who will protect her heart, body and soul? Will my son drive recklessly or date recklessly?

The box of Elmo Band-Aids has faded and gathered dust over the years. I remember when a scraped knee or broken bone was my biggest daily concern. Now, there is no box of bandages big enough to patch up the fears we have as moms of teens. All we ask is that our babies travel the safest possible road and guard their lives at every turn.

What I really want for Mother’s Day is the chance to tell them one more time to slow down and look both ways…

Thoughts?
Lisa J